Osho - 202 Jokes Of Mulla Nasrudin

202 Jokes Of Mulla Nasrudin 

51.

"My grandfather," bragged one fellow in the teahouse, 'lived to be ninety-nine and never used glasses."

"WELL," said Mulla Nasrudin, "LOTS OF PEOPLE WOULD RATHER DRINK FROM THE BOTTLE."


52.

It was after the intermission at the theater, and Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were returning to their seats.

"Did I step on your feet as I went out?" the Mulla asked a man at the end of the row.

"You certainly did," said the man awaiting an apology.

Mulla Nasrudin turned to his wife, "IT'S ALL RIGHT, DARLING," he said. "THIS IS OUR ROW."

53.

A patrolman was about to write a speeding ticket, when a woman in the back seat began shouting at Mulla Nasrudin, "There! I told you to watch out. But you kept right on. Getting out of line, not blowing your horn, passing stop streets, speeding, and everything else. Didn't I tell you, you'd get caught? Didn't I? Didn't I?"

"Who is that woman?" the patrolman asked.

"My wife," said the Mulla.

"DRIVE ON," the patrolman said. "YOU HAVE BEEN PUNISHED ENOUGH."

54.

Mulla Nasrudin was visiting the town dentist to get some advance prices on his work.

"The price for pulling a tooth is four dollars each," the dentist told him. "But in order to make it painless we will have to give gas and that will be three dollars extra."

"Oh, don't worry about giving gas," said the Mulla.

"That won't be necessary. We can save the three dollars."

"That's all right with me," said the dentist. "I have heard that you mountain people are strong and tough. All I can say is that you are a brave man."

"IT ISN'T ME THAT'S HAVING MY TOOTH PULLED," said Nasrudin. "IT'S MY WIFE."

55.

The professional money raiser called upon Mulla Nasrudin. "I am seeking contributions for a worthy charity," he said. "Our goal is 100,000andawell ??? knownphilanthropisthasalreadydonatedaquarterofthat."

"WONDERFUL," said Nasrudin. "AND I WILL GIVE YOU ANOTHER QUARTER. HAVE YOU GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?"

56.

"Come and have a drink, boys "

Mulla Nasrudin came up and took a drink of whisky.

"How is this, Mulla?" asked a bystander. "How can you drink whisky? Sure it was only yesterday ye told me ye was a teetotaller."

"WELL," said Nasrudin. "YOU ARE RIGHT, I AM A TEETOTALLER IT IS TRUE, BUT I AM NOT A BIGOTED ONE!"

57.

One Thursday night, Mulla Nasrudin came home to supper. His wife served him baked beans. He threw his plate of beans against the wall and shouted, "I hate baked beans."

'Mulla, I can't figure you out," his wife said, "MONDAY NIGHT YOU LIKED BAKED BEANS, TUESDAY NIGHT YOU LIKED BAKED BEANS, WEDNESDAY NIGHT YOU LIKED BAKED BEANS AND NOW, ALL OF A SUDDEN, ON THURSDAY NIGHT, YOU SAY YOU HATE BAKED BEANS."

58.

The prosecutor began his cross-examination of the witness, Mulla Nasrudin.

"Do you know this man?"

"How should I know him?"

"Did he borrow money from you?"

"Why should he borrow money from me?"

Annoyed, the judge asked the Mulla "Why do you persist in answering every question with another question?"

"WHY NOT?" said Mulla Nasrudin 59.

Mulla Nasrudin had taken one too many when he walked upto the police sargeant's desk.

"Officer you'd better lock me up," he said. "I just hit my wife on the head with a beer bottle."

"Did you kill her:" asked the officer.

"Don't think so," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO LOCK ME UP."

60.

Mulla Nasrudin's family was on a picnic. The wife was standing near the edge of a high cliff, admiring the sea dashing on the rocks below. Her young son came up and said, "DAD SAYS IT'S NOT SAFE HERE. EITHER YOU STAND BACK FARTHER OR GIVE ME THE SANDWICHES."

61.

The boss was complaining to Mulla Nasrudin about his constant tardiness. "It's funny," he said. "You are always late in the morning and you live right across the street. Now, Billy Wilson, who lives two miles away, is always on time."

"There is nothing funny about it," said Nasrudin.

"IF BILLY IS LATE IN THE MORNING, HE CAN HURRY, BUT IF I AM LATE, I AM HERE."

62.

The boss told Mulla Nasrudin that if he could not get to work on time, he would be fired. So the Mulla went to the doctor, who gave him a pill. The Mulla took the pill, slept well, and was awake before he heard the alarm clock. He dressed and ate breakfast leisurely.

Later he strolled into the office, arriving half an hour before his boss. When the boss came in, the Mulla said:

"Well, I didn't have any trouble getting up this morning."

"THAT'S GOOD," said Mulla Nasrudin's boss, "BUT WHERE WERE YOU YESTERDAY?"

63.

Mulla Nasrudin had a house on the United States-Canadian border. No one knew whether the house was in the United States or Canada. It was decided to appoint a committee to solve the problem.

After deciding it was in the United States, Mulla Nasrudin leaped with joy. "HURRAH!" he shouted, "NOW I DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER FROM THOSE TERRIBLE CANADIAN WINTERS!"

64.

"Mulla," said a friend, "I have been reading all those reports about cigarettes. Do you really think that cigarette smoking will shorten your days?"

"I CERTAINLY DO," said Mulla Nasrudin. I TRIED TO STOP SMOKING LAST SUMMER AND EACH OF MY DAYS SEEMED AS LONG AS A MONTH."

65.

Mulla Nasrudin had been pulled from the river in what the police suspected was a suicide attempt.

When they were questioning him at headquarters, he admitted that he had tried to kill himself. This is the story he told:

"Yes, I tried to kill myself. The world is against me and I wanted to end it all. I was determined not to do a halfway job of it, so I bought a piece of rope, some matches, some kerosene, and a pistol. Just in case none of those worked, I went down by the river. I threw the rope over a limb hanging out over the water, tied that rope around my neck, poured kerosene all over myself and lit that match. I jumped off the river and put that pistol to my head and pulled the trigger. And guess what happened? I missed. The bullet hit the rope before I could hang myself and I fell in the river and the water put out the fire before I could burn myself.

AND YOU KNOW, IF I HAD NOT BEEN A GOOD SWIMMER, I WOULD HAVE ENDED UP DROWNING MY FOOL SELF."

66.

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife had just been fighting. The wife felt a bit ashamed and was standing looking out of the window. Suddenly, something caught her attention.

"Honey," she called. "Come here, I want to show you something."

As the Mulla came to the window to see, she said. "Look at those two horses pulling that load of hay up the hill. Why can't we pull together like that, up the hill of life?"

"THE REASON WE CAN'T PULL UP THE HILL LIKE A COUPLE OF HORSES," said Nasrudin, "IS BECAUSE ONE OF US IS A JACKASS!"

67.

Mulla Nasrudin had finished his political speech and answering questions.

"One question, Sir, if I may," said a man down front you ever drink alcoholic beverages?"

"BEFORE I ANSWER THAT," said Nasrudin, "I'D LIKE TO KNOW IF IT'S IN THE NATURE OF AN INQUIRY OR AN INVITATION."

68.

Mulla Nasrudin's wife was always after him to stop drinking. This time, she waved a newspaper in his face and said, "Here is another powerful temperance moral.

'Young Wilson got into a boat and shoved out into the river, and as he was intoxicated, he upset the boat, fell into the river and was drowned.' See, that's the way it is, if he had not drunk whisky he would not have lost his life."

"Let me see," said the Mulla. "He fell into the river, didn't he?"

"That's right," his wife said.

"He didn't die until he fell in, is that right? " he asked.

"That's true," his wife said.

"THEN IT WAS THE WATER THAT KILLED HIM," said Nasrudin, "NOT WHISKY."

69.

Mulla Nasrudin stormed into the Postmaster General's office and shouted, "I am being pestered by threatening letters, and I want somebody to do something about it."

"I am sure we can help," said the Postmaster General. "That's a federal offence. Do you have any idea who is sending you these letters?"

"I CERTAINLY DO," said Nasrudin. "IT'S THOSE INCOME TAX PEOPLE."

70.

Mulla Nasrudin let out a burst of profanity which shocked a lady social worker who was passing by.

She looked at him critically and said: "My, where did you learn such awful language?"

"WHERE DID I LEARN IT?" said Nasrudin. "LADY, I DIDN'T LEARN IT, IT'S A GIFT."

71.

Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his friends in the teahouse about the new preacher.

"That man, ' said the Mulla, "is the talkingest person in the world. And he can't be telling the truth all the time. THERE JUST IS NOT THAT MUCH TRUTH."

72.

"My wife talks to herself," the friend told Mulla Nasrudin.

"SO DOES MINE," said the Mulla, "BUT SHE DOESN'T REALISE IT. SHE THINKS I AM LISTENING."

73.

The man climbed on the stool at a little lunch counter for breakfast. "Quite a rainy spell, isn't it?" he said to Mulla Nasrudin, the man next to him. "Almost like the flood."

"Flood? What flood?" said the Mulla.

"Why, the flood," the first man said, "you know Noah and the Ark and Mount Ararat."

"NOPE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I HAVE NOT READ THE MORNING PAPER, YET, SIR."

74.

A preacher approached Mulla Nasrudin lying in the gutter.

"And so," he asked, "this is the work of whisky, isn't it?"

"NO," said Nasrudin. "THIS IS THE WORK OF A BANANA PEEL, SIR."

75.

Mulla Nasrudin came up to a preacher and said that he wanted to be transformed to the religious life totally. "That's fine," said the preacher, "but are you sure you are going to put aside all sin?"

"Yes Sir, I am through with sin," said the Mulla.

"And are you going to pay up all your debts?" asked the preacher.

"NOW WAIT A MINUTE, PREACHER," said Nasrudin, "YOU AIN'T TALKING RELIGION NOW, YOU ARE TALKING BUSINESS."

76.

"It is being rumoured around town," a friend said to Mulla Nasrudin, "that you and your wife are not getting along too well. Is there anything to it?"

"NONSENSE," said Nasrudin. "WE DID HAVE A FEW WORDS AND I SHOT HER. BUT THAT'S AS FAR AS IT WENT."

77.

The word had passed around that Mulla Nasrudin's wife had left him. While the news was still fresh, an old friend ran into him.

"I have just heard the bad news that your wife has left you," said the old friend. "I suppose you go home every night now and drown your sorrow in drink?"

"No, I have found that to be impossible," said the Mulla.

"Why is that?" asked his friend "No drink?"

"NO," said Nasrudin, "NO SORROW."

78.

After the speech Mulla Nasrudin shook hands with the speaker and said he never had a more enjoyable evening.

"You found my remarks interesting, I trust," said the speaker.

"NOT EXACTLY," said Nasrudin, "BUT YOU DID CURE MY INSOMNIA."

79.

Mulla Nasrudin who had worked hard on his speech was introduced and given his place at the microphone.

He stood there for half a minute completely speechless and then said, "The human mind is the most wonderful device in the world. It starts working the instant you are born and never stops working night or day for your entire life - UNTIL THE MOMENT YOU STAND UP TO MAKE A SPEECH."

80.

Mulla Nasrudin's wife was a candidate for the state legislature And this was the last day of campaigning.

"My, I am tired," said Mulla Nasrudin as they returned to their house after the whole day's work. "I am almost ready to drop."

"You tired!" cried his wife. "I am the one to be tired. I made fourteen speeches today."

"I KNOW," said Nasrudin, "BUT I HAD TO LISTEN TO THEM."

81.

"Mulla, you look sad," said a friend. "What is the matter?"

"I had an argument with my wife," said the Mulla "and she swore she would not talk to me for 30 days."

"Well, you should be very happy," said the first.

"HAPPY?" said Mulla Nasrudin. "THIS IS THE 30TH DAY."

82.

Mulla Nasrudin was sitting in a station smoking, when a woman came in, and sitting beside him, remarked: "Sir, if you were a gentleman, you would not smoke here!"

"Mum," said the Mulla, "if ye was a lady ye'd sit farther away."

Pretty soon the woman burst out again:

"If you were my husband, I'd given you poison!"

"WELL, MUM," returned Nasrudin, as he puffed away at his pipe, "IF YOU WERE ME WIFE, I'D TAKE IT."

83.

Somebody asked Mulla Nasrudin why he lived on the top floor, in his small, dusty old rooms, and suggested that he move.

"NO," said Nasrudin, "NO, I SHALL ALWAYS LIVE ON THE TOP FLOOR. IT IS THE ONLY PLACE WHERE GOD ALONE IS ABOVE ME." Then after a pause, "HE'S BUSY - BUT HE'S QUIET."

84.

Mulla Nasrudin was in tears when he opened the door for his wife. "I have been insulted," he sobbed.

"Your mother insulted me."

"My mother," she exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

She looked stern. "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"IN THE POSTSCRIPT," said Nasrudin. "IT SAID 'DEAR NASRUDIN, PLEASE, DON'T FORGET TO GIVE THIS LETTER TO MY DAUGHTER.'"

85.

The richest man of the town fell into the river.

He was rescued by Mulla Nasrudin. The fellow asked the Mulla how he could reward him.

"The best way, Sir," said Nasrudin. "is to say nothing about it. IF THE OTHER FELLOWS KNEW I'D PULLED YOU OUT, THEY'D CHUCK ME IN."

86.

Mulla Nasrudin arrived late at the country club dance, and discovered that in slipping on the icy pavement outside, he had torn one knee of his trousers.

"Come into the ladies' dressing room, Mulla," said his wife - "There's no one there and I will pin it up for you."

Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned. A maid furnished a needle and thread and was stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while Nasrudin removed his trousers. His wife went busily to work.

Presently at the door sounded excited voices.

"We must come in, maid," a woman was saying. "Mrs. Jones is ill. Quick, let us in."

"Here," said the resourceful Mrs. Mulla Nasrudin to her terrified husband, "get into this closest for a minute."

She opened the door and pushed the Mulla through it just in time. But instantly, from the opposite side of the door, came loud thumps and the agonized voice of the Mulla demanding that his wife open it at once.

"But the women are here," Mrs. Nasrudin objected.

"OH, DAMN THE WOMEN!" yelled Nasrudin. "I AM OUT IN THE BALLROOM."

87.

"I can't find anything organically wrong with you," the doctor said to Mulla Nas- rudin. "As you know, many illnesses come from worry. You probably have some business or social problem that you should talk over with a good psychiatrist. A case very similar to yours came to me only a few weeks ago. The man had a 5,000 "And did you cure him?" asked Mulla Nasrudin.

"Yes," said the doctor, "I just told him to stop worrying; that life was too short to make himself sick over a scrap of paper. Now he is back to normal. He has stopped worrying entirely."

"YES; I KNOW," said Nasrudin, sadly. "I AM THE ONE HE OWES THE 5,000T O."

88.

It was the final hand of the night. The cards were dealt. The pot was opened. Plenty of raising went on.

Finally, the hands were called.

"I win," said one fellow. "I have three aces and a pair of queens."

"No, I win, ' said the second fellow. "I have three aces and a pair of kings."

"NONE OF YOU-ALL WIN," said Mulla Nasrudin, the third one. "I DO. I HAVE TWO DEUCES AND A THIRTY-EIGHT SPECIAL."

89.

Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were arguing over whose profession was first established on earth.

"Mine was," said the surgeon. "The Bible says that Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam."

"Not at all," said the engineer. "An engineering job came before that. In six days the earth was created out of chaos. That was an engineer's job."

"YES," said Mulla Nasrudin, the politician, "BUT WHO CREATED THE CHAOS?"

90.

Mulla Nasrudin, as a candidate, was working the rural precincts and getting his fences mended and votes lined up. On this particular day, he had his young son with him to mark down on index cards whether the voter was for or against him. In this way, he could get an idea of how things were going.

As they were getting out of the car in front of one farmhouse, the farmer came out the front door with a shotgun in his hand and screamed at the top of his voice, "I know you - you dirty filthy crook of a politician. You are no good. You ought to be put in jail. Don't you dare set foot inside that gate or I'll blow your head off. Now, you get back in your car and get down the road before I lose my temper and do something I'll be sorry for."

Mulla Nasrudin did as he was told. A moment later he and his son were speeding down the road away from that farm.

"Well," said the boy to the Mulla, "I might as well tear that man's card up, hadn't I?"

"TEAR IT UP?" cried Nasrudin. "CERTAINLY NOT. JUST MARK HIM DOWN AS DOUBTFUL."

91.

Mulla Nasrudin who prided himself on being something of a good Samaritan was passing an apartment house in the small hours of the morning when he noticed a man leaning limply against the door way.

"What is the matter," asked the Mulla, "Drunk?"

"Yup."

"Do you live in this house?"

"Yup."

"Do you want me to help you upstairs?"

"Yup."

With much difficulty the Mulla half dragged, half carried the dropping figure up the stairway to the second floor.

"What floor do you live on?" asked the Mulla. "Is this it?"

"Yup."

Rather than face an irate wife who might, perhaps take him for a companion more at fault than her spouse, the Mulla opened the first door he came to and pushed the limp figure in.

The good Samaritan groped his way downstairs again.

As he was passing through the vestibule he was able to make out the dim outlines of another man, apparently in a worse condition than the first one.

"What's the matter?" asked the Mulla. "Are you drunk too?"

"Yep," was the feeble reply.

"Do you live in this house too?"

"Yep."

"Shall I help you upstairs?"

"Yep."

Mulla Nasrudin pushed, pulled, and carried him to the second floor, where this second man also said he lived. The Mulla opened the same door and pushed him in.

But as he reached the front door, the Mulla discerned the shadow of a third man, evidently worse off than either of the other two. Mulla Nasrudin was about to approach him when the object of his solicitude lurched out into the street and threw himself into the arms of a passing policeman.

"Off'shur! Off'shur! For Heaven's sake, Off'shur," he gasped, "protect me from that man. He has done nothing all night long but carry me upstairs and throw me down the elevator shaf."

93.

The wife of Mulla Nasrudin told him that he had not been sufficiently explicit with the boss when he asked for raise.

"Tell him," said the wife, "that you have seven children, that you have a sick mother you have to sit up with many nights, and that you have to wash dishes because you can't afford a maid."

Several days later Mulla Nasrudin came home and announced he had been fired.

"THE BOSS," explained Nasrudin, "SAID I HAVE TOO MANY OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES."

94.

"I knew an artist once who painted a cobweb on the ceiling so realistically that the maid spent hours trying to get it down," said Mulla Nasrudin's wife.

"Sorry, Dear," replied Nasrudin. "I just don't believe it."

"Why not? Artists have been known to do such things."

"YES." said Nasrudin, "BUT NOT MAIDS!"

95.

"And now I want you boys to tell me who wrote 'Hamlet'?" asked the superintendent.

"P-p-please, Sir," replied a frightened boy, "it - it was not me."

That same evening the superintendent was talking to his host, Mulla Nasrudin. The superintendent said:

"A most amusing thing happened today. I was questioning the class over at the school, and I asked a boy who wrote 'Hamlet' He answered tearfully, 'P-p-please, Sir, it - it was not me!"

After loud and prolonged laughter, Mulla Nasrudin said:

"THAT'S PRETTY GOOD, AND I SUPPOSE THE LITTLE RASCAL HAD DONE IT ALL THE TIME!"

96.

Mulla Nasrudin was chatting with an acquaintance at a cocktail party.

"Whenever I see you," said the Mulla, "I always think of Joe Wilson."

"That's funny," his acquaintance said, "I am not at all like Joe Wilson."

"OH, YES, YOU ARE," said Nasrudin. "YOU BOTH OWE ME 100.

97.

Once Mulla Nasrudin was asked what he considered to be a perfect audience.

"Oh, to me," said Nasrudin, "the perfect audience is one that is well educated, highly intelligent - AND JUST A LITTLE BIT DRUNK."

98.

One night Mulla Nasrudin came home to his wife with lipstick on his collar.

"Where did you get that?" she asked. "From my maid?"

"No," said the Mulla.

"From my dressmaker?" snapped his wife.

"NO," said Nasrudin indignantly. "DON'T YOU THINK I HAVE ANY FRIENDS OF MY OWN?"

99.

A man was seated at a lunch counter when a pretty girl, followed by young Mulla Nasrudin came in.

They took the only vacant stools, which happened to be on either side of the side. Wanting to be gracious, he offered to change seats with Mulla Nasrudin so they might sit together.

"Oh, that's not necessary," said the Mulla.

But the man insisted, and they changed seats.

Mulla Nasrudin then said to the pretty girl, "SINCE THE SEATING ARRANGEMENTS SUIT THIS POLITE GENTLEMAN, WE MIGHT AS WELL MAKE HIM REAL HAPPY AND GET ACQUAINTED."

100.

A man at a seaside resort said to his new acquaintance, Mulla Nasrudin, "I see two cocktails carried to your room every morning, as if you had someone to drink with."

"YES, SIR," said the Mulla, "I DO. ONE COCKTAIL MAKES ME FEEL LIKE ANOTHER MAN, AND, OF COURSE, I HAVE TO BUY A DRINK FOR THE OTHER MAN."