Osho - 202 Jokes Of Mulla Nasrudin

202 Jokes Of Mulla Nasrudin 

101.

The wedding had begun, the bride was walking down the aisle. A lady whispered to Mulla Nasrudin who was next to her, "Can you imagine, they have known each other only three weeks, and they are getting married!"

"WELL," said Mulla Nasrudin, "IT'S ONE WAY OF GETTING ACQUAINTED."

102.

Mulla Nasrudin and his two friends were discussing what they would do if they awoke one morning to discover that they were millionaires.

The Spaniard friend said he would build a bull ring.

The American friend said he would go to Paris to have a good time.

And, Mulla Nasrudin said HE WOULD GO TO SLEEP AGAIN TO SEE IF HE COULD MAKE ANOTHER MILLION."

103.

A middle-aged woman lost her balance and fell out of a window into a garbage can. Mulla Nasrudin, passing remarked: "Americans are very wasteful. THAT WOMAN WAS GOOD FOR TEN YEARS YET."

104.

Mulla Nasrudin was told he would lose his phone if he did not retract what he had said to the General Manager of the phone company in the course of a conversation over the wire.

"Very well, Mulla Nasrudin will apologize," he said.

He called Main 7777.

"Is that you, Mr. Doolittle?"

"It is."

"This is Mulla Nasrudin.

"Well?"

"This morning in the heat of discussion I told you to go to hell!"

"Yes?"

"WELL," said Nasrudin, "DON'T GO!"

105.

A political leader was visiting the mental hospital. Mulla Nasrudin sitting in the yard said, "You are a politician, are you not?"

"Yes," said the leader. "I live just down the road."

"I used to be a politician myself once," said the Mulla, "but now I am crazy. Have you ever been crazy?"

"No," said the politician as he started to go away.

"WELL, YOU OUGHT TRY IT," said Nasrudin "IT BEATS POLITICS ANY DAY."

106.

The editor of the town weekly received this letter from Mulla Nasrudin:

"Dear Sir: Last week I lost my watch which I valued highly. The next day I ran an ad in your paper.

Yesterday, I went home and found the watch in the pocket of my brown suit. YOUR PAPER IS WONDERFUL!"

107.

Mulla Nasrudin had been out speaking all day and returned home late at night, tired and weary.

"How did your speeches go today?" his wife asked.

"All right, I guess," the Mulla said. "But I am afraid some of the people in the audience didn't understand some of the things I was saying."

"What makes you think that?" his wife asked.

"BECAUSE," whispered Mulla Nasrudin, "I DON'T UNDERSTAND THEM MYSELF."

108.

Mulla Nasrudin, a distraught father, visiting his son in a prison waiting room, turned on him and said:

"I am fed up with you. Look at your record: attempted robbery, attempted robbery, attempted burglary, attempted murder. WHAT A FAILURE YOU HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE; YOU CAN'T SUCCEED IN ANYTHING YOU TRY."

109.

Mulla Nasrudin and some of his friends pooled their money and bought a tavern. They immediately closed it and began to paint and fix it up inside and out. A few days after all the repairs had been completed and there was no sign of its opening, a thirsty crowd gathered outside. One of the crowd yelled out, "Say, Nasrudin, when you gonna open up?"

"OPEN UP? WE ARE NOT GOING TO OPEN UP," said the Mulla. "WE BOUGHT THIS PLACE FOR OURSELVES!"

110.

A man who has been married for ten years complained one day to his friend Mulla Nasrudin. "When we were first married," he said, "I was very happy. I would come home from a hard day at the office.

My little dog would race around barking, and my wife would bring me my slippers. Now after ten years, everything has changed. When I come home, my dog brings me my slippers, and my wife barks at me!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE COMPLAINING ABOUT," said Nasrudin. "YOU ARE STILL GETTING THE SAME SERVICE, ARE YOU NOT?"

111.

Mulla Nasrudin's wife limped past the teahouse.

"There goes a woman who is willing to suffer for her beliefs," said the Mulla to his friends there.

"Why, what belief is that?" asked someone.

"OH, SHE BELIEVES SHE CAN WEAR A NUMBER FOUR SHOE ON A NUMBER SIX FOOT," said Nasrudin.

112.

The lawyer was working on their divorce case.

After a preliminary conference with Mulla Nasrudin, the lawyer reported back to the Mulla's wife.

"I have succeeded," he told her, "in reaching a settlement with your husband that's fair to both of you."

"FAIR TO BOTH?" cried the wife. "I COULD HAVE DONE THAT MYSELF. WHY DO YOU THINK I HIRED A LAWYER?"

113.

Mulla Nasrudin was suffering from what appeared to be a case of shattered nerves. After a long spell of failing health, he finally called a doctor.

"You are in serious trouble," the doctor said. "You are living with some terrible evil thing; something that is possessing you from morning to night. We must find what it is and destroy it."

"SSSH, DOCTOR," said Nasrudin, "YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, BUT DON'T SAY IT SO LOUD - SHE IS SITTING IN THE NEXT ROOM AND SHE MIGHT HEAR YOU."

114.

Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends had been drinking all evening in a bar. The friend finally passed out and fell to the floor. The Mulla called a doctor who rushed him to a hospital. When he came to, the doctor asked him, "Do you see any pink elephants or little green men?"

"Nope," groaned the patient.

"No snakes or alligators?" the doctor asked.

"Nope," the drunk said.

"Then just sleep it off and you will be all right in the morning," said the doctor.

But Mulla Nasrudin was worried. "LOOK, DOCTOR." he said, "THAT BOY'S IN BAD SHAPE. HE SAID HE COULDN'T SEE ANY OF THEM ANIMALS, AND YOU AND I KNOW THE ROOM IS FULL OF THEM."

115.

Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends were attending a garden party for charity which featured games of chance.

"I just took a one-dollar chance for charity," said the friend, "and a beautiful blonde gave me a kiss. I hate to say it, but she kissed better than my wife!"

The Mulla said he was going to try it. Afterwards the friend asked: "How was it, Mulla?"

"SWELL," said Nasrudin, "BUT NO BETTER THAN YOUR WIFE."

116.

Mulla Nasrudin's teenager son had dented a fender on the family car.

"What did your father say when you told him?" the boy's mother asked.

"Should I leave out the cuss words?" he said.

"Yes, of course," said his mother.

"IN THAT CASE," said the boy, "HE DIDN'T SAY A WORD."

117.

The woman lecturer was going strong. "For centuries women have been misjudged and mistreated,"

she shouted. "They have suffered in a thousand ways. Is there any way that women have not suffered?"

As she paused to let that question sink in, it was answered by Mulla Nasrudin, who was presiding the meeting. "YES, THERE IS ONE WAY," he said. "THEY HAVE NEVER SUFFERED IN SILENCE."

118.

The man at the poultry counter had sold everything except one fryer. Mulla Nasrudin, a customer, said he was entertaining at dinner and wanted a nice-sized fryer. The clerk threw the fryer on the scales and said, "This one will be 1.35."

"Well," said the Mulla, "I really wanted a larger one."

The clerk, thinking fast, put the fryer back in the box and stirred it around a bit. Then he brought it out again and put it on the scales. "This one," he said, "will be S1.95."

"WONDERFUL," said Nasrudin. "I WILL TAKE BOTH OF THEM!"

119.

A highway patrolman pulled alongside Mulla Nasrudin's car and waved him to the side of the road.

"Sir your wife fell out of the car three miles back," he said.

"SO THAT'S IT," said the Mulla. "I THOUGHT I HAD GONE STONE DEAF."

120.

The young doctor seemed pleased after looking over his patient, Mulla Nasrudin.

"You are getting along just fine," he said. "Of course. your shoulder is still badly swollen, but that does not bother me in the least."

"I DON'T GUESS IT DOES," said Nasrudin. "IF YOUR SHOULDER WERE SWOLLEN, IT WOULDN'T BOTHER ME EITHER."

121.

Mulla Nasrudin had been placed in a mental hospital, for treatment. After a few weeks, a friend visited him. "How are you going on?" he asked.

"Oh, just fine," said the Mulla.

"That's good," his friend said. "Guess you will be coming back to your home soon?"

"WHAT!" said Nasrudin. "I SHOULD LEAVE A FINE COMFORTABLE HOUSE LIKE THIS WITH A SWIMMING POOL AND FREE MEALS TO COME TO MY OWN DIRTY HOUSE WITH A MAD WIFE TO LIVE WITH? YOU MUST THINK I AM CRAZY!"

122.

Mulla Nasrudin visiting a mental hospital stood chatting at great length to one man in particular. He asked all sorts of questions about how he was treated, and how long he had been there and what hobbies he was interested in.

As the Mulla left him and walked on with the attendant, he noticed he was grinning broadly. The Mulla asked what was amusing and the attendant told the visitor that he had been talking to the medical superintendent. Embarrassed, Nasrudin rushed back to make apologies. "I AM SORRY DOCTOR," he said. "I WILL NEVER GO BY APPEARANCES AGAIN."

123.

A famous surgeon had developed the technique of removing the brain from a person, examining it, and putting it back. One day, some friends brought him Mulla Nasrudin to be examined The surgeon operated on the Mulla and took his brain out. When the surgeon went to the laboratory to examine the brain, he discovered the patient had mysteriously disappeared. Six years later Mulla Nasrudin returned to the hospital.

"Where have you been for six years?" asked the amazed surgeon.

"OH, AFTER I LEFT HERE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I GOT ELECTED TO CONGRESS AND I HAVE BEEN IN THE CAPITAL EVER SINCE, SIR."

124.

Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend how he got started in the bank business.

"I was out of work," he said, "so to keep busy, I rented an empty store, and painted the word 'BANK' on the window. The same day, a man came in and deposited 300.Nextday, anotherfellowcameinandputin250.

WELL, SIR, BY THE THIRD DAY I'D GOT SO MUCH CONFIDENCE IN THE VENTURE THAT I PUT IN 50OF MY OW NMONEY."

125.

Mulla Nasrudin, shipwrecked, was finally washed ashore on a strange island. He was glad to be on land, but afraid he might be among wild and unfriendly natives, so he explored cautiously, and at last saw smoke from a fire rising from the jungle. As he made his way slowly through the woods, scared half to death, he heard a voice say, "Pass that bottle and deal those cards."

"THANK GOD!" cried Nasrudin. "I AM AMONG CIVILISED PEOPLE!"

126.

"What was the argument between you and your father-in-law, Nasrudin?" asked a friend.

"I didn't mind, when he wore my hat, coat, shoes and suit, BUT WHEN HE SAT DOWN AT THE DINNER TABLE AND LAUGHED AT ME WITH MY OWN TEETH - THAT WAS TOO MUCH," said Mulla Nasrudin.

127.

Mulla Nasrudin's wife was forever trying to curb his habit of swearing. One day, while shaving, the Mulla nicked his chin, and promptly launched into his most colourful array of cuss words. His wife thereupon repeated it all after him, hoping that her action in doing so would shame him into reforming at last.

But instead, the Mulla waited for her to finish them with a familiar twinkle in his eyes said: "YOU HAVE THE WORDS ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW THE TUNE."

128.

A young bachelor, frequenting the pub quite often, was in the habit of singing laurels of his bachelorhood to all within hearing distance.

He was quite cured of his self-centered, eccentric ideals, when once, Mulla Nasrudin got up calmly from the table, gave the hero a paternal thump on the back and remarked, "I SUPPOSE, YOUNG CHAP, YOUR FATHER MUST HAVE BEEN A BACHELOR TOO."

129.

At a breakfast one morning, Mulla Nasrudin was telling his wife about the meeting of his civic club the night before. "The president of the club," he said, "offered a silk hat to the member who would truthfully say that during his married life he had never kissed any woman but his wife. And not a man stood up."

"Why," his wife asked, "didn't you stand up?"

"WELL," said Nasrudin, "I WAS GOING TO, BUT YOU KNOW HOW SILLY I LOOK IN A SILK HAT."

130.

The minister was congratulating Mulla Nasrudin on his 40th wedding anniversary. "It requires a lot of patience, tolerance, and understanding to live with the same woman for 40 years," he said.

"THANK YOU," said Nasrudin, "BUT SHE'S NOT THE SAME WOMAN SHE WAS WHEN WE WERE FIRST MARRIED."

131.

Mulla Nasrudin was talking to his little girl about being brave.

"But ain't you afraid of cows and horses?" she asked.

"Of course not." said the Mulla "And ain't you afraid of bees and thunder and lightening?" asked the child.

"Certainly not." said the Mulla again.

"GEE, DADDY," she said "GUESS YOU AIN'T AFRAID OF NOTHING IN THE WORLD BUT MAMA."

132.

The audience was questioning Mulla Nasrudin who had just spoken on big game hunting in Africa.

"Is it true," asked one, "that wild beasts in the jungle won't harm you if you carry a torch?"

"THAT ALL DEPENDS," said Nasrudin "ON HOW FAST YOU CARRY IT."

133.

A father was bragging about his daughter who had studied painting in Paris.

"This is the sunset my daughter painted," he said to Mulla Nasrudin. "She studied painting abroad, you know."

"THAT ACCOUNTS FOR IT," said Nasrudin. "I NEVER SAW A SUNSET LIKE THAT IN THIS COUNTRY."

134.

Mulla Nasrudin and one of his friends rented a boat and went fishing. In a remote part of the like they found a spot where the fish were really biting.

"We'd better mark this spot so we can come back tomorrow," said the Mulla.

"O.k., I'll do it," replied his friend.

When they got back to the dock, the Mulla asked, "Did you mark that spot?"

"Sure," said the second, "I put a chalk mark on the side of the boat."

"YOU NITWIT," said Nasrudin. "HOW DO YOU KNOW WE WILL GET THE SAME BOAT TOMORROW?"

135.

One evening when a banquet was all set to begin, the chairman realized that no minister was present to return thanks. He turned to Mulla Nasrudin, the main speaker and said, "Sir, since there is no minister here, will you ask the blessing, please?"

Mulla Nasrudin stood up, bowed his head, and with deep feeling said, "THERE BEING NO MINISTER PRESENT, LET US THANK GOD."

136.

"Have I not shaved you before, Sir?" the barber asked Mulla Nasrudin.

"NO," said Nasrudin, "I GOT THAT SCAR DURING THE WAR."

137.

A barber was surprised to get a tip from Mulla Nasrudin, a customer, before he even climbed into the chair.

"You are the first customer, Mulla," he said, "ever to give me a tip before I cut the hair."

"THAT'S NOT A TIP," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S HUSH MONEY.

138.

"Thankful! What do I have to be thankful for? I can't pay my bills," said one fellow to Mulla Nasrudin.

"WELL, THEN," said Nasrudin, "BE THANKFUL YOU AREN'T ONE OF YOUR CREDITORS."

139.

The pilot at the air show was taking passengers up for a spin around town for five dollars a ride.

As he circled city with Mulla Nasrudin, the only customer aboard, he his engine and began to glide toward the airport.

"I will bet those people down there think my engine couped out," he laughed. "I will bet half of them are scared to death."

"THAT'S NOTHING." said Mulla Nasrudin, "HALF OF US UP HERE ARE TOO."

140.

Mulla Nasrudin who was reeling drunk was getting into his automobile when a policeman came up and asked "You're not going to drive that car, are you?"

"CERTAINLY I AM GOING TO DRIVE," said Nasrudin. "ANYBODY CAN SEE I AM IN NO CONDITION TO WALK."

141.

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife on a safari cornered a lion. But the lion fooled them; instead of standing his ground and fighting, the lion took to his heels and escaped into the underbush.

Mulla Nasrudin terrified very much, was finally asked to stammer out to his wife, "YOU GO AHEAD AND SEE WHERE THE LION HAS GONE, AND I WILL TRACE BACK AND SEE WHERE HE CAME FROM."

142.

Mulla Nasrudin and a friend were chatting at a bar.

"Do you have the same trouble with your wife that I have with mine?" asked the Mulla.

"What trouble?"

"Why, money trouble. She keeps nagging me for money, money, money, and then more money," said the Mulla.

"What does she want with all the money you give her? What does she do with it?"

"I DON'T KNOW," said Nasrudin. "I NEVER GIVE HER ANY."

143.

Mulla Nasrudin's weekend guest was being driven to the station by the family chauffeur.

"I hope you won't let me miss my train," he said.

"NO, SIR," said the chauffeur. "THE MULLA SAID IF DID, I'D LOSE MY JOB."

144.

Mulla Nasrudin: "My wife has a chronic habit of sitting up every night until two and three o'clock in the morning and I can't break her of it."

Sympathetic friend: "Why does she sit up that late?"

Nasrudin: "WAITING FOR ME TO COME HOME."

145.

"Mulla, did your father leave much money when he died?"

"NO," said Mulla Nasrudin, "NOT A CENT. IT WAS THIS WAY. HE LOST HIS HEALTH GETTING WEALTHY, THEN HE LOST HIS WEALTH TRYING TO GET HEALTHY."

146.

Mulla Nasrudin, a mental patient, was chatting with the new superintendent at the state hospital.

"We like you a lot better than we did the last doctor," he said.

The new superintendent was obviously pleased. "And would you mind telling me why?" he asked.

"OH, SOMEHOW YOU JUST SEEM SO MUCH MORE LIKE ONE OF US," said Nasrudin.

147.

Mulla Nasrudin: "How much did you pay for that weird-looking hat?"

Wife: "It was on sale, and I got it for a song."

Nasrudin "WELL, IF I HADN'T HEARD YOU SING. I'D SWEAR YOU HAD BEEN CHEATED."

148.

Mulla Nasrudin was a hypochondriac He has been pestering the doctors of his town to death for years.

Then one day, a young doctor, just out of the medical school moved to town. Mulla Nasrudin was one of his first patients.

"I have heart trouble," the Mulla told him. And then he proceeded to describe in detail a hundred and one symptoms of all sorts of varied ailments. When he was through he said, "It is heart trouble, isn't it?"

"Not necessarily," the young doctor said. "You have described so many symptoms that you might well have something else wrong with you."

"HUH," snorted Mulla Nasrudin "YOU HAVE YOUR NERVE. A YOUNG DOCTOR, JUST OUT OF SCHOOL, DISAGREEING WITH AN EXPERIENCED INVALID LIKE ME."

149.

Mulla Nasrudin called his wife from the office and said he would like to bring a friend home for dinner that night.

"What?" screamed his wife. "You know better than that You know the cook quit yesterday, the baby's got the measles, the hot water heater is broken, the painters are redecorating the living room and I don't even have any way to get to the supermarket to get our groceries."

"I know all that," said Nasrudin. "THAT'S WHY I WANT TO BRING HIM HOME FOR DINNER. HE IS A NICE YOUNG MAN AND I LIKE HIM. BUT HE'S THINKING OF GETTING MARRIED."

150.

Mulla Nasrudin and his wife were guests at an English country home - an atmosphere new and uncomfortable to them. In addition, they were exceptionally awkward when it came to hunting; so clumsy in fact that the Mulla narrowly missed shooting the wife of their host. When the Englishman sputtered his rage at such dangerous ineptness, Mulla Nasrudin handed his gun to the Englishman and said, "WELL, HERE, TAKE MY GUN; IT'S ONLY FAIR THAT YOU HAVE A SHOT AT MY WIFE."