Osho - 202 Jokes Of Mulla Nasrudin

202 Jokes  Of  Mulla Nasrudin 

151.

Mulla Nasrudin and his friend, out hunting, were stopped by a game warden. The Mulla took off, and the game warden went after him and caught him, and then the Mulla showed the warden his hunting licence.

"Why did you run when you had a licence?" asked the warden.

"BECAUSE," said Nasrudin, "THE OTHER FELLOW DIDN'T HAVE ONE."

152.

The great specialist had just completed his medical examination of Mulla Nasrudin and told him the fee was 25.

"The fee is too high I ain't got that much." said the Mulla.

"Well make it 15, then."

"It's still too much. I haven't got it," said the Mulla.

"All right," said the doctor, "give me 5andbeatit."

"Who has 5?Notme, "saidtheMulla.

"Well give me whatever you have, and get out," said the doctor.

"Doctor, I have nothing," said the Mulla.

By this time the doctor was in a rage and said, "If you have no money you have some nerve to call on a specialist of my standing and my fees."

Mulla Nasrudin, too, now got mad and shouted back at the doctor: "LET ME TELL YOU, DOCTOR, WHEN MY HEALTH IS CONCERNED NOTHING IS TOO EXPENSIVE FOR ME."

153.

Mulla Nasrudin was talking in the teahouse on the lack of GOOD SAMARITAN SPIRIT in the world today. To illustrate he recited an episode: "During the lunch hour I walked with a friend toward a nearby restaurant when we saw laying on the street a helpless fellow human who had collapsed."

After a solemn pause the Mulla added, "Not only had nobody bothered to stop and help this poor fellow, BUT ON OUR WAY BACK AFTER LUNCH WE SAW HIM STILL LYING IN THE SAME SPOT."

154.

Mulla Nasrudin sitting in the street car addressed the woman standing before him: "You must excuse my not giving you my seat - I am a member of The Sit Still Club."

"Certainly, Sir," the woman replied. "And please excuse my staring - I belong to The Stand and Stare Club."

She proved it so well that Mulla Nasrudin at last got to his feet.

"I GUESS, MA'AM," he mumbled, "I WILL RESIGN FROM MY CLUB AND JOIN YOURS."

155.

"I am terribly worried," said Mulla Nasrudin to the psychiatrist. "My wife thinks she's a horse."

"We should be able to cure her," said the psychiatrist "But it will take a long time and quite a lot of money."

"OH, MONEY IS NO PROBLEM," said Nasrudin. "SHE HAS WON SO MANY HORSE RACES."

156.

The caravan was marching through the desert. It was hot and dry with not a drop of water anywhere.

Mulla Nasrudin fell to the ground and moaned.

"What's the matter with him?" asked the leader of the caravan.

"He is just homesick," said Nasrudin's companion.

"Homesick? We are all homesick," said the leader.

"YES," said Mulla Nasrudin's companion "BUT HE IS WORSE. HE OWNS A TAVERN."

157.

Mulla Nasrudin's son was studying homework and said his father, "Dad, what is a monologue?"

"A MONOLOGUE," said Nasrudin, "IS A CONVERSATION BEING CARRIED ON BY YOUR MOTHER WITH ME."

158.

Mulla Nasrudin stormed out of his office and yelled, "SOMETHING HAS GOT TO BE DONE ABOUT THOSE SIX PHONES ON MY DESK. FOR THE PAST FIVE MINUTES I HAVE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF."

159.

Mulla Nasrudin was complaining to a friend.

"My wife is a nagger," he said.

"What is she fussing about this time?" his friend asked.

"Now," said the Mulla, "she has begun to nag me about what I eat. This morning she asked me if I knew how many pancakes I had eaten. I told her I don't count pancakes and she had the nerve to tell me I had eaten 19 already."

"And what did you say?" asked his friend.

"I didn't say anything," said Nasrudin. "I WAS SO MAD, I JUST GOT UP FROM THE TABLE AND WENT TO WORK WITHOUT MY BREAKFAST."

160.

Mulla Nasrudin had been arrested for being drunk and was being questioned at the police station.

"So you say, you are a poet," demanded the desk sargeant.

"Yes, Sir," said the Mulla.

"That's not so, Sargeant," said the arresting officer.

"I SEARCHED HIM AND FOUND 500INHISP OCKET."

161.

Mulla Nasrudin was bragging about his rich friends. "I have one friend who saves five hundred dollars a day," he said.

"What does he do, Mulla?" asked a listener. "How does he save five hundred dollars a day?"

"Every morning when he goes to work, he goes in the subway," said Nasrudin. "You know in the subway, there is a five-hundred dollar fine if you spit, SO, HE DOESN'T SPIT!"

162.

Mulla Nasrudin looked at the drug clerk doubtfully. "I take it for granted," he said, "that you are a qualified druggist."

"Oh, yes, Sir" he said.

"Have you passed all the required examinations?"

asked the Mulla.

"Yes," he said again.

"You have never poisoned anybody by mistake, have you?" the Mulla asked.

"Why, no!" he said.

"IN THAT CASE," said Nasrudin, "PLEASE GIVE ME TEN CENTS' WORTH OF EPSOM SALTS."

163.

Mulla Nasrudin went to get a physical examination.

He was so full of alcohol that the doctor said to him, "You will have to come back the day after tomorrow. Any examination we might make today would not mean anything - that's what whisky does, you know."

"YES, I KNOW," said Nasrudin. "I SOMETIMES HAVE THAT TROUBLE MYSELF. I WILL DO AS YOU SAY AND COME BACK THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW - WHEN YOU ARE SOBER, SIR."

164.

Mulla Nasrudin had been to see the doctor. When he came home, his wife asked him: "Well, did the doctor find out what you had?"

"ALMOST," said Nasrudin. "I HAD 40ANDHECHARGEDME49."

165.

Mulla Nasrudin, elected to the Congress, was being interviewed by the press. One reporter asked:

"Do you feel that you have influenced public opinion, Sir?"

"NO," answered Nasrudin. "PUBLIC OPINION IS SOMETHING LIKE A MULE I ONCE OWNED. IN ORDER TO KEEP UP THE APPEARANCE OF BEING THE DRIVER, I HAD TO WATCH THE WAY IT WAS GOING AND THEN FOLLOWED AS CLOSELY AS I COULD."

166.

An insurance salesman had been talking for hours try-ing to sell Mulla Nasrudin on the idea of insuring his barn. At last he seemed to have the prospect interested because he had begun to ask questions.

"Do you mean to tell me," asked the Mulla, "that if I give you a check for 75 and if my barn burns down, you will pay me 50,000?'

"That's exactly right," said the salesman. "Now, you are beginning to get the idea."

"Does it matter how the fire starts?" asked the Mulla.

"Oh, yes," said the salesman. "After each fire we made a careful investigation to make sure the fire was started accidentally. Otherwise, we don't pay the claim."

"HUH," grunted Nasrudin, "I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE."

167.

The blacksheep of the family had applied to his brother, Mulla Nasrudin, for a loan, which he agreed to grant him at an interest rate of 9 per cent.

The never-do-well complained about the interest rate "What will our poor father say when he looks down from his eternal home and sees one of his sons charging another son 9 per cent on a loan?"

"FROM WHERE HE IS," said Nasrudin, "IT WILL LOOK LIKE 6 PER CENT."

168.

"Mulla, how about lending me 50?"askedafriend.

"Sorry," said Mulla Nasrudin, "I can only let you have 25."

"But why not the entire 50, MULLA?"

"NO," said Nasrudin, "THAT WAY IT'S EVEN - EACH ONE OF US LOSES 25."

169.

Mulla Nasrudin and one of his merchant friends on their way to New York were travelling in a carriage and chatting. Suddenly a band of armed bandits appeared and ordered them to halt.

"Your money or your life," boomed the leader of the bandits.

'Just a moment please," said Mulla Nasrudin. "I owe my friend here 500, andIwouldliketopayhimfirst.

"YOSEL," said Nasrudin, "HERE IS YOUR DEBT. REMEMBER, WE ARE SQUARE NOW."

170.

In asking Mulla Nasrudin for a loan of 10, awomansaidtohim,"IfIdon tgettheloanIwillberuined."

"Madam," replied Nasrudin, "IF A WOMAN CAN BE RUINED FOR 10, T HENSHEISN T W ORT HSAV ING."

171.

Mulla Nasrudin met a man on a London street. They had known each other slightly in America.

"How are things with you?" asked the Mulla.

"Pretty fair," said the other. "I have been doing quite well in this country."

"How about lending me 100, then?"saidNasrudin.

"Why I hardly know you, and you are asking me to lend you 100!"

"I can't understand it," said Nasrudin. "IN THE OLD COUNTRY PEOPLE WOULD NOT LEND ME MONEY BECAUSE THEY KNEW ME, AND HERE I CAN'T GET A LOAN BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW ME."

171.

"I have found the road to success no easy matter," said Mulla Nasrudin. "I started at the bottom. I worked twelve hours a day. I sweated. I fought. I took abuse. I did things I did not approve of. But I kept right on climbing the ladder."

"And now, of course, you are a success, Mulla?" prompted the interviewer.

"No, I would not say that," replied Nasrudin with a laugh. "JUST QUOTE ME AS SAYING THAT I HAVE BECOME AN EXPERT AT CLIMBING LADDERS."

172.

Mulla Nasrudin, asked if he believed in luck, replied "CERTAINLY: HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THE SUCCESS OF THOSE YOU DON'T LIKE?"

173.

Mulla Nasrudin was the witness in a railroad accident case.

"You saw this accident while riding the freight train?"

"Where were you when the accident happened?"

"Oh, about forty cars from the crossing."

"Forty car lengths at 2 a. m.! Your eyesight is remarkable! How far can you see at night, anyway?"

"I CAN'T EXACTLY SAY," said Nasrudin. "JUST HOW FAR AWAY IS THE MOON?"

174.

Mulla Nasrudin's wife seeking a divorce charged that her husband "thinks only of horse racing. He talks horse racing: he sleeps horse racing and the racetrack is the only place he goes. It is horses, horses, horses all day long and most of the night. He does not even know the date of our wedding.

"That's not true, Your Honour," cried Nasrudin. "WE WERE MARRIED THE DAY DARK STAR WON THE KENTUCKY DERBY."

175.

There was a play in which an important courtroom scene included Mulla Nasrudin as a hurriedly recruited judge. All that he had to do was sit quietly until asked for his verdict and give it as instructed by the play's director.

But Mulla Nasrudin was by no means apathetic, he became utterly absorbed in the drama being played before him. So absorbed, in fact, that instead of following instructions and saying "Guilty," the Mulla arose and firmly said, "NOT GUILTY."

176.

Two graduates of the Harvard School of Business decided to start their own business and put into practice what they had learned in their studies. But they soon went into bankruptcy and Mulla Nasrudin took over their business. The two educated men felt sorry for the Mulla and taught him what they knew about economic theory.

Some time later the two former proprietors called on their successor when they heard he was doing a booming business. "What's the secret of your success?"

they asked Mulla Nasrudin.

"T'ain't really no secret," said Nasrudin. "As you know, schooling and theory is not in my line. I just buy an article for 1andsellitfor2. ONE PER CENT PROFIT IS ENOUGH FOR ME."

177.

Mulla Nasrudin's testimony in a shooting affair was unsatisfactory. When asked, "Did you see the shot fired?" the Mulla replied, "No, Sir, I only heard it."

"Stand down," said the judge sharply. "Your testimony is of no value."

Nasrudin turned around in the box to leave and when his back was turned to the judge he laughed loud and derisively. Irate at this exhibition of contempt, the judge called the Mulla back to the chair and demanded to know how he dared to laugh in the court.

"Did you see me laugh, Judge?" asked Nasrudin.

"No, but I heard you," retorted the judge.

"THAT EVIDENCE IS NOT SATISFACTORY, YOUR HONOUR." said Nasrudin respectfully.

178.

Mulla Nasrudin and a friend went to the racetrack.

The Mulla decided to place a hunch bet on Chopped Meat.

On his way to the betting window he encountered a tout who talked him into betting on Tug of War since, said the tout, "Chopped Meat does not have a chance."

The next race the friend decided to play a hunch and bet on a horse named Overcoat. On his way to the window he met the same tout, who convinced him Overcoat did not have a chance and talked him into betting on Flying Feet. So Overcoat won, and Flyiny Feet came in last. On their way to the parking lot for the return trip, winnerless, the two friends decided to buy some peanuts. The Mulla said he'd get them. He came back with popcorn.

"What's the idea?" said his friend "I thought we agreed to buy peanuts."

"YES, I KNOW," said Mulla Nasrudin. "BUT I MET THAT MAN AGAIN."

179.

Mulla Nasrudin was telling a friend that he was starting a business in partnership with another fellow.

"How much capital are you putting in it, Mulla?" the friend asked.

"None. The other man is putting up the capital, and I am putting in the experience," said the Mulla.

"So, it's a fifty-fifty agreement."

"Yes, that's the way we are starting out," said Nasrudin, "BUT I FIGURE IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS I WILL HAVE THE CAPITAL AND HE WILL HAVE THE EXPERIENCE."

180.

A blind man went with Mulla Nasrudin to the race-track to bet on a horse named Bolivar. The Mulla stood next to him and related Bolivar's progress in the race.

"How is Bolivar at the quarter?"

"Coming good."

"And how is Bolivar at the half?"

"Running strong!"

After a few seconds, "How is Bolivar at the three-quarter?"

"Holding his own."

"How is Bolivar in the stretch?"

"In there running like hell!" said Nasrudin. "HE IS HEADING FOR THE LINE, DRIVING ALL THE OTHER HORSES IN FRONT OF HIM."

181.

"Why do you call your mule "POLITICIAN," Mulla?" a neighbor asked.

"BECAUSE," said Mulla Nasrudin, "THIS MULE GETS MORE BLAME AND ABUSE THAN ANYTHING ELSE AROUND HERE, BUT HE STILL GOES AHEAD AND DOES JUST WHAT HE DAMN PLEASES."

182.

"You look mighty dressed up, Mulla," a friend said to Mulla Nasrudin. "What's going on, something special?"

"Yes," said the Mulla, "I am celebrating tonight with my wife. I am taking her to dinner in honor of seven years of perfect married happiness."

"Seven years of married happiness," the friend said. "Why man, I think that's wonderful."

"I THINK IT'S PRETTY GOOD MYSELF," said Nasrudin. "SEVEN OUT OF SEVENTY."

183.

A newspaper reporter was interviewing Mulla Nasrudin on the occasion of his 105th birthday.

"Tell me," he said, "do you believe the younger generation is on the road to perdition?"

"YES, SIR," said old Nasrudin. "AND I HAVE BELIEVED IT FOR MORE THAN NINETY YEARS."

184.

"Why didn't you answer the letter I sent you?" demanded Mulla Nasrudin's wife.

"Why, I didn't get any letter from you," said Nasrudin. "AND BESIDES, I DIDN'T LIKE THE THINGS YOU SAID IN IT!"

185.

After giving his speech, the guest of the evening was standing at the door with Mulla Nasrudin, the president of the group, shaking hands with the folks as they left the hall.

Compliments were coming right and left, until one fellow shook hands and said, "I thought it stunk."

"What did you say?" asked the surprised speaker.

"I said it stunk. That's the worst speech anybody ever gave around here. Whoever invited you to speak tonight ought to be but out of the club." With that he turned and walked away.

"DON'T PAY ANY ATTENTION TO THAT MAN," said Mulla Nasrudin to the speaker. "HE'S A NITWlT.

WHY, THAT MAN NEVER HAD AN ORIGINAL, THOUGHT IN HIS LIFE. ALL HE DOES IS LISTEN TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY, THEN HE GOES AROUND REPEATING IT."

186.

"Well, Mulla," said the priest, "'I am glad to see you out again after your long illness. You have had a bad time of it."

"Indeed, Sir," said Mulla Nasrudin.

"And, when you were so near Death's door, did you feel afraid to meet God?" asked the priest.

"NO, SIR," said Nasrudin. "IT WAS THE OTHER GENTLEMAN."

187.

In a street a small truck loaded with glassware collided with a large truck laden with bricks, and practically all of the glassware was smashed.

Considerable sympathy was felt for the driver as he gazed ruefully at the shattered fragments. A benevolent looking old gentleman eyed him compassionately.

"My poor man," he said, "I suppose you will have to make good this loss out of your own pocket?"

"Yep," was the melancholy reply.

"Well, well," said the philanthropic old gentleman, "hold out your hat - here's fifty cents for you; and I dare say some of these other people will give you a helping hand too."

The driver held out his hat and over a hundred persons hastened to drop coins in it. At last, when the contributions had ceased, he emptied the contents of his hat into his pocket. Then, pointing to the retreating figure of the philanthropist who had started the collection, he observed "SAY, MAYBE HE AIN'T THE WISE GUY! THAT'S ME BOSS, MULLA NASRUDIN!"

188.

Mulla Nasrudin, whose barn burned down, was told by the insurance company that his policy provided that the company build a new barn, rather than paying him the cash value of it. The Mulla was incensed by this.

"If that's the way you fellows operate," he said, "THEN CANCEL THE INSURANCE I HAVE ON MY WIFE'S LIFE."

189.

Mulla Nasrudin had spent eighteen months on deserted island, the lone survivor when his yacht sank.

He had managed so well, he thought less and less of his business and his many investments. But he was nonetheless delighted to see a ship anchor off shore and launch a small boat that headed toward the island.

When the boat crew reached the shore the officer in charge came forward with a bundle of current newspapers and magazines. "The captain," explained the officer, "thought you would want to look over these papers to see what has been happening in the world, before you decide that you want to be rescued."

"It's very thoughtful of him," replied Nasrudin. "BUT I THINK I NEED AN ACCOUNTANT MOST OF ALL. I HAVEN'T FILED AN INCOME TAX RETURN FOR TWO YEARS, AND WHAT WITH THE PENALTIES AND ALL, I AM NOT SURE I CAN NOW AFFORD TO RETURN."

190.

The weekly poker group was in the midst of an exceptionally exciting hand when one of the group fell dead of a heart attack. He was laid on a couch in the room, and one of the three remaining members asked, "What shall we do now?"

"I SUGGEST," said Mulla Nasrudin, the most new member of the group, "THAT OUT OF RESPECT FOR OUR DEAR DEPARTED FRIEND, WE FINISH THIS HAND STANDING UP."

191.

"With all of the evidence to the contrary," the district attorney said to the defendant, "do you still maintain Nasrudin, that your wife died of a broken heart?"

"I CERTAINLY DO," said Mulla Nasrudin. "IF SHE HAD NOT BROKEN MY HEART, I WOULDN'T HAVE SHOT HER."

192.

Mulla Nasrudin and his partner closed the business early one Friday afternoon and went off together for a long weekend in the country. Seated playing canasta under the shade of trees, the partner looked up with a start and said. "Good Lord, Mulla, we forgot to lock the safe."

"SO WHAT," replied Nasrudin. "THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. WE ARE BOTH HERE."

193.

Mulla Nasrudin was tired, weary, bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the chauffeur:

"JAMES, DRIVE FULL SPEED OVER THE CLIFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO COMMIT SUICIDE."

194.

Mulla Nasrudin was stopped one day by a collector of charity and urged to "give till it hurts." Nasrudin shook his head and said, "WHY THE VERY IDEA HURTS."

195.

The young doctor stood gravely at the bedside, looking down at the sick Mulla Nasrudin, and said to him: "I am sorry to tell you, but you have scarlet fever. This is an extremely contagious disease."

Mulla Nasrudin turned to his wife and said, "My dear, if any of my creditors call, tell them I AM AT LAST IN A POSITION TO GIVE THEM SOMETHING."

196.

Mulla Nasrudin was scheduled to die in a gas chamber. On the morning of the day of his execution he was asked by the warden if there was anything special he would like for breakfast.

"YES," said Nasrudin, "MUSHROOMS. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AFRAID TO EAT THEM FOR FEAR OF BEING POISONED."

197.

The new politician was chatting with old Mulla Nasrudin, who asked him how he was doing.

"Not so good," said the new man. "Every place I go, I get insulted."

"THAT'S FUNNY," said the Mulla. "I HAVE BEEN IN POLITICS FOR MORE THAN SIXTY YEARS MYSELF AND I HAVE HAD MY PROPAGANDA LITERATURE PITCHED OUT THE DOOR, BEEN THROWN OUT MYSELF, KICKED DOWN STAIRS; AND WAS EVEN PUNCHED IN THE NOSE ONCE BUT, I WAS NEVER INSULTED."

198.

The old man was ninety years old and his son, Mulla Nasrudin, who himself was now seventy years old, was trying to get him placed in a nursing home. The place was crowded and Nasrudin was having difficulty.

"Please," he said to the doctor. "You must take him in.

He is getting feeble minded. Why, all day long he sits in the bathtub, playing with a rubber Donald Duck!"

"Well," said the psychiatrist, "he may be a bit senile but he is not doing any harm, is he?"

"BUT," said Mulla Nasrudin in tears, "IT'S MY DONALD DUCK."

199.

It was the day of the hanging, and as Mulla Nasrudin was led to the foot of the steps of the scaffold.

he suddenly stopped and refused to walk another step.

"Let's go," the guard said impatiently. "What's the matter?"

"SOMEHOW," said Nasrudin, "THOSE STEPS LOOK MIGHTY RICKETY - THEY JUST DON'T LOOK SAFE ENOUGH TO WALK UP."

200.

In earlier days in America it was not unusual for politicians to take advantage of a public hanging to address the crowd of spectators. When Mulla Nasrudin, the condemned, was told a politician was going to speak on the grim occasion. "HAVE ME FIRST, PLEASE," screamed Mulla Nasrudin. But it was not possible. So Mulla Nasrudin thanked the speaker for making it easier to die".

201.

Mulla Nasrudin was tired, weary, bored. He called for his limousine, got in and said to the chauffeur:

"JAMES. DRIVE FULL SPEED OVER THE CLIFF. I HAVE DECIDED TO COMMIT SUICIDE."

202.